AND NOW...From the home office in Frozen Groin Saskatchewan...
THE TOP TEN WOMEN I'D LEAST LIKE TO SEE NAKED IN PLAYBOY MAGAZINE :
10) Hillary Clinton
9) Star Jones
8) Any Jackson except Janet
7) Nancy Grace
6) TIE: Camilla Parker-Bowles and Ellen Degeneres
5) Whoopi Goldberg
4) Conchata Ferrell (Berta on 2 1/2 Men)
3) Cloris Leachman
2) Rosie O'Donnell
AND... the #1 woman I would LEAST like to see naked in Playboy Magazine:
1) JOAN RIVERS
Honourable Mentions: Donatella Versace and Kris Kardashian.
Now, if you'll excuse me...I'm felling a tad nauseous...
I'm among the hundreds of thousand of red-blooded males who scoured the internet yesterday to see Lindsay Lohan's leaked Playboy spread. It looks good, but I wish they could have shot Lindsay looking like Lindsay. Instead, they dressed her up like Marilyn Munroe and recreated the famous calender shot that Hugh Hefner put in Playboy's very first issue. I don't really see the point. Why not just re-publish the old Marilyn shots and do a spread with Lindsay being her teen queen self?
I gotta say though...her boobs are absolutely beautiful.
Lindsay, call me!
I gotta say...I was a little repulsed when I first learned that everyone's favourite Material Girl Madonna would be the half-time entertainment at the Super Bowl. Not that I hate her or anything, but c'mon...she's...she's...well...she's Madonna!
But you know what??? The more I think about it the more I realize that Madonna and the Super Bowl are actually a pretty good match-up.
WANNA KNOW WHY??? (Everybody say yessssss.....)
It's because I imagine Madonna's private lady-part is a lot like a football field...
Very large
And a lot of black guys have sprained their ankle on it!
HAPPY FRIDAY
Following my letter to Santa yesterday, (just kidding by the way folks...I love Santa), I decided to vent a little more and write a letter to someone else who I'm a little annoyed with...
Dear Alec Baldwin,
You sir are an ass. Your history of being a boor and verbally abusing people, including your young daughter, has been widely reported. Now we hear about you getting booted off a plane for being an idiot after a flight attendant told you to turn off your i phone. Were you born a jerk or has money and celebrity turned you into one?
Do the public a favour and spare us another hollow apology like the one your publicist wrote for you after you humiliated your kid for the world to hear. Here's what I think you should do:
1) Give your head a shake.
2) Give a million dollars to the flight attendant you freaked out on.
3) Go back to your shrink and tell him your treatment isn't working.
4) Shut the F*ck up and act like an adult instead of like Jenna on 30 Rock.
Best wishes,
Dave MacLachlan
PS: The coffee is for closers.
FW: DEAR SANTA
Dear Santa,
I do not usually write letters of this nature, but seriously…what the hell is your problem?
You have categorically failed to provide me with even one of the items contained in the annual letters that I've written to you faithfully since the age of four.
Where oh where were those skates…the B.B. Gun…the official NFL Football?
And what about that dirt bike buddy??? All I received year after year, after year were socks, underwear, clothing and the occassional crappy toy that I neither asked for or wanted.
Now, I don't mean to sound ungrateful. And it's certainly not my intention to imply that the fault was yours. (It was probably one of those little squirts who works for you). But whatever the problem is, I sincerely hope you isolate it, fix it and deliver to me what is rightfully mine.
Oh, and one other thing. I have not been an especially good boy this year Santa, but I'm hoping that you will undertake a review of your outdated and discriminatory policy of dispersing gifts only to so-called "NICE" people. NICE, SCHMICE.
Your friend,
Dave
P.S. I trust my standing request for a Lamborghini Gallardo LP550-2 and Jessica Alba is still on file with your organization.
Seems to me that Kim Kardashian has been getting quite an uncalled for trashing in the media of late. Sure, she and her (multiple!) sisters are an annoying omnipresence on reality TV, on the web and in supermarket tabloids everywhere. And sure, her latest marriage lasted only 70 days. But c'mon..cut the girl (and her (multiple!) sisters) some slack.
She's worked hard to get where she is. While other multi-millionaire debutants were busy blowing their boyfriends, she was busy blowing her (multiple!) boyfriends AND filming it AND working 18 hour days to establish and maintain her brand. I think it's admirable that she chose to strike out on her own (with her (multiple!) sisters) instead of leaching off of her rich parents for the rest of her life.
You know what? I think a lot of people hate Kimmy K. just because she's beautiful. Jealousy is a strong emotion. I also beleive that a lot of people (men and women alike) who trash her would probably give a years wages to fondle that bountiful behind. I know I would!
In fact...I like her so much I wrote a poem about her:
A POEM (by Dave MacLachlan)
I sing the praises night and day
Of beautiful, wonderful Kimmie K.
She possesses awsome talents
But how the hell does she keep her balance
IN FACT...I like her so much, I wrote another poem about her:
ANOTHER POEM (By Dave MacLachlan)
Kimmy K.
She`s OK
I don`t care
What People say
She has her faults
(we`ve all got em`)
But what an awsome
Top and bottom
(And listen to me misses and misters
I even like her (multiple!) sisters)
ROCK ON KIMMIE!!!
ROCK ON!!!
Continuing my list of my all-time favourite albums from the 70s:
26) I Got A Name-Jim Croce
27) One More From The Road-Lynyrd Skynyrd
28) Rickie Lee Jones-Rickie Lee Jones
29) Pendulum-C.C.R.
30) Can't Buy A Thrill-Steely Dan
31) Tea For The Tillerman-Cat Stevens
32) Dreams, Dreams, Dreams-Chilliwack
33) After The Goldrush-Neil Young
34) Plastic Ono Band-John Lennon
35) My Aim Is True-Elvis Costello
36) Layla And Other Assorted Love Songs-Derek And The Dominoes
37) Sweet Baby James-James Taylor
38) Cabretta-Mink Deville
39) Rockin'-The Guess Who
40) Band On The Run-Wings
41) So What-Joe Walsh
42) Led Zepplin IV-Led Zepplin
43) Damn The Torpedoes-Tom Petty
44) Angel Station-Manfred Mann's Earth Band
45) Running On Empty-Jackson Browne
46) Rumours-Fleetwood Mac
47) Sweet Freedom-Uriah Heep
48) Desire-Bob Dylan
49) Harvest-Neil Young
50) Honky Chateau-Elton John
And now...for your enjoyment and edification, I give you part 1 of my list of favourite albums from the 1970s. If you see any you're not familiar with, do yourself a favour and check them out...you'll thank me for it. Please feel free to post a comment with your own favourites.
So...here (in random order) are the first twenty-five...I'll do another 25 tomorrow.
1) The Wild, The Innocent And The E-Street Shuffle-Bruce Springsteen
2) Life And Times-Jim Croce
3) Some Girls-Rolling Stones
4) Goodbye Yellow Brick Road-Elton John
5) London Calling-The Clash
6) Never Mind The Bollocks-Sex Pistols
7) Changes In Lattitudes, Changes In Attitudes-Jimmy Buffett
8) Second Helping-Lynyrd Skynyrd
9) Naturally-J.J. Cale
10) Born To Run-Bruce Springsteen
11) Love It To Death-Alice Cooper
12) Fleetwood Mac-Fleetwood Mac
13) Aja-Steely Dan
14) American Pie-Don McLean
15) The Captain And Me-The Doobie Brothers
16) Brothers And Sisters-The Allman Brothers
17) Night Moves-Bob Seager
18) Machine Head-Deep Purple
19) Boston-Boston
20) The Rise And Fall Of Ziggy Stardust-David Bowie
21) The Stranger-Billy Joel
22) Exile On Main Street-The Rolling Stones
23) Hotel California-The Eagles
24) American Woman-The Guess Who
25) Greetings From Asbury Park New Jersey-Bruce Springsteen
Well, it's Black Friday in the U.S.. Usually fun for the whole family, even given the pushing, shoving and overall boorish manners that tend to come with it. But this year, things got a little more serious.
Some jackwagon out in L.A. figured the best way to be the first to lay her hands on the bargain video games at Wal-Mart would be to pepper-spray anybody that got in her path. Which she did.
I'd have something profound to say about this if I hadn't been rendered speechless by hearing about it.
Lady...it's a video game.
A VIDEO GAME!!!!!!
Guess she forgot to take her medication. Oh well...just another sign that the apocolypse must be nigh!
In other Thanksgiving-related news...
Lady Gaga had a special on TV last night. I tuned in expecting to see her coming out of an egg or something. But guess What???
SHE WAS MAKING WAFFLES.
As God is my witness...
SHE WAS MAKING WAFFLES!!!
Anyway...I hope all you Yanks had a great Thanksgiving and that any spray you encountered came from a can of beer and not a can of mace!
Holy candied-yams-with-mini-marshmallows Batman! It's American Thanksgiving!!!
I'm from Canada where Thanksgiving is celebrated weeks earlier and in a decidedly more low-key manner compared to all the hoopla that surrounds the holiday down south. But I envy American Thanksgiving to the max. They know how to do it up baby!
In Canada, Thanksgiving lasts but a day, but many Americans celebrate from the Wednesday before to the Tuesday following. SWEET!!!
And how do they fill up those six glorious days?
An orgy of football.
Turkey feasts the likes of which have not been seen since the final days of the Roman Empire.
And...shopping...shopping...shopping.
Black Friday...what a concept!
We have something akin to it in Canada on the day after Chrsitmas called Boxing Day but it can't hold a candle to good old B.F.. Hardly anyone ever gets trampled to death.
As far as I can figure out, the final couple of days of American Thanksgiving are spent in heavy recuperation trying to shake that gassy turkey hangover and nursing the wounds incurred lunging for those discounted i-Pods over at Best Buys.
It sounds like heaven to me.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING MY AMERICAN FRIENDS!!!
As I write this, the Toronto Police are attempting to evict the "Occupy Toronto" protesters from this city's St. James Park. It's about time.
Now, I don't harbour any great feelings of hatred against the protesters. Quite the opposite. I admire anyone willing to stand up for a just and noble cause they believe in. But enough's enough. They've had five weeks to make their point. It's time they moved on and let the people of Toronto enjoy their park again.
Occupy Toronto seem like a pretty unfocused group. They're long on gripes but short on solutions. Let me offer them some (free) advice:
1) Go home and take a long, hot shower. You earned it.
2) When you're squeaky clean and Irish Spring fresh, get back together as a group and hash out exactly what it is you want.
3) Set about making that happen by working within the system, not outside of it. Start a political party, develop a platform and try and get yourself elected. Look at what Elizabeth May has done with the Green Party in Canada. She wasn't content to just walk around carrying signs and chanting slogans. She's really doing something. And she's changing the world. If you could accomplish anything close to what she has, I would applaud you.
BUT...
If you just want to sit around in a park and shoot the sh*t with your buddies, I've got some more (free) advice for you... (let the reader note that I am now standing up and boldy brandishing the middle finger of my right hand)
OCCUPY THIS!!!
Today is the 48th anniversary of the assassination of JFK.
I'd Like to think that things have changed in those 48 years since but I don't know.
There's another good looking young idealist Democrat with a pretty wife in the White House and just last week some whack-job was arrested for shooting at his residence in an apparent attempt to kill him.
Long time passing.
Long time gone.
Rest in peace Jack.
Rest in peace.
My friend Andy (not his real name...you'll understand after reading this entire post why I thought it might be a good idea to change it) is an accountant. He's an upstanding guy. Honest as the day is long. A great husband and father. A loyal friend.
Like many guys I know (and certainly myself included) Andy is not adverse to viewing the occasional morsel of on-line porn if one should happen to cross his path. (File this fact in your cranium for later).
I don't see Andy as much as I used to...maybe 2 or 3 times a year. We also shoot each other the odd email, so I wasn't surprised to see his name in my inbox recently. What did surprise me was the attachment to his message: a PDF of a set of carefully prepared financial documents that had nothing whatsoever to do with me.
Realizing he had sent the wrong attachment to me, I dashed off a quick email pointing out his error to him.
I immediately received this reply:
Dave,
You're right. Here's what I meant to send you.
Andy
Attached was a photograph of a rather large, rather naked, rather hairy middle-aged woman caught in the intimate act of inserting a plastic disposable razor (handle first) into her rectum.
I haven't had the heart to ask if he had mistakenly sent this picture to the client whose financial statements I got. I like to believe he did.
OOPS!!!
Ya gotta love Andy!
Back in the late seventies I was working in radio in British Columbia, high up in the rockies of the East Kootenay Region. My friend Dan was the morning man at a station affiliated with the one I worked at. One beautiful summer Saturday, following a media baseball game at one of the area's many parks, Dan and I and a group of friends sat in the shade of a tall, tall tree, gulped down a copious amount of Kootenay beer and chewed the fat. Up saunters a park ranger. Uh-Oh, we all thought, we've got a couple of 2-4s of beer and we're all half in the bag. We've had it now.
My buddy Kirk launches into a convoluted excuse for having open liquor in the park when Mr. Ranger stops him in mid sentence. "Look guys" says the ranger, "I don't give a damn about the beer. Just be discreet. The reason I came over here is to let you know that we've just had a black bear sighting in this area, so please be careful". And he leaves.
We continue on with the beer and BS-Fest, but Dan can clearly not let the black bear thing go. He begins muttering to himself over and over...black bears...black bears...black bears. Before long his muttering morphs into a sing-song chant "Black Bear Boogie, do the Black Bear Boogie. We try to ingore him but his little song gets more and more urgent as the time and beer passes. "Black Bear Boogie, do the Black Bear Boogie". He's really getting into it.
Finally as the twilight is fading into darkness, we decide to repair to a local watering hole known for it's huge size and large population of hot young women. In the car on the way over, Dan continues his black bear battle cry "Black Bear Boogie, do the Black Bear Boogie" We continue to ignore him in hopes that he'll wear himself down and shut the F up.
We arrive at the bar and tumble drunkenly out of the car. Dan falls out last. Far from being worn out, the car ride seems to have invigorated him. He's even added a flourish of air-guitar choreography to enhance his little song. "Black Bear Boogie, do the Black Bear Boogie".
We are seated at a large communal table at the front of the place, order a round of Kootenays and are passed a large platter of mini egg-rolls with plum sauce. (The free mini egg-rolls and nuts and bolts party mix being one of the key draws to this place, second only to the afore mentioned hot young women). Just as I'm about to plunge one of those little babies into a dish of spicy plum sauce, Dan elbows me in the ribs. "Hey" he grunts...check out the goddesses. My eyes follow his wagging finger to the vision slowly breaking the smoky horizon: Two young ladies, one blonde, one brunette, each looking like they have just stepped out of the glossy pages of Playboy Magazine. We sigh as we watch their firm little butts waggle over to their table by the dance floor and sit down. "Come on man" says Dan, "lets go ask those little hotties to dance". "I don't think so" I protest, "I'm not much of a dancer". "Who gives a crap" bellows Dan. Let's go get em"! He wraps his beefy right hand around my neck and propels me from my chair. Reluctantly I follow him as he launches towards his target. As we approach, I see the girls notice us and fix us firmly in their gaze. "No turning back now" I mutter to myself. Suddenly, without warning Danny Boy stops, drops his head back and wails "Black Bear Boogie, do the Black Bear Boogie" as his arms windmill crazily off of his imaginary guitar. "That's it" I say to myself, "I'm bailing". I scurry back to my chair across the bar and busy myself with the large gin and tonic I find waiting there for me.
Five minutes later, as I'm about to stuff my 10th or 11th mini-egg roll down my gullet, I look up just in time to see Dan sauntering out the door, the blonde on one arm, the brunette on the other. Triumphantly Dan turns toward me and with great gusto, once again belts out for all to hear " Black Bear Boogie, do the Black Bear Boogie" as his new-found playmates add screechy, out-of-tune harmony and giggle suggestively.
A phone call to Dan the next day confirms the ugly truth that Dan did indeed spend that night with the goddesses, drunkenly (and blissfully) performing rendition after rendition of the Black Bear Boogie as they ran through various and sundry positions from the Kama Sutra..
So...here comes the point of this sordid tale: CARPE DIEM MY FRIENDS...SEIZE THE DAY!!!
Don't worry about looking like a giant A-hole. Figure out what you want and go get it, just like my old friend Dan. Who knows what pleasures await you across a smoky bar room or stuffy board room. Go for it.
DO THE BLACK BEAR BOOGIE BABY!!!
Be gentle with me. I'm a virgin. Blogger that is. This post pops my cherry, steals my innocence busts my...well you get the drift.
First things first. Allow me to clearly state the Universal Proposition this blog will encompass. None,zilch, zip, zer...well you get the drift.
To paraphrase Seinfeld...this is a blog about nothing. And nothing you will get...in spades.
Stay tuned campers...it's going to be a bumpy ride...
