AND NOW...From the home office in Frozen Groin Saskatchewan...
THE TOP TEN WOMEN I'D LEAST LIKE TO SEE NAKED IN PLAYBOY MAGAZINE :
10) Hillary Clinton
9) Star Jones
8) Any Jackson except Janet
7) Nancy Grace
6) TIE: Camilla Parker-Bowles and Ellen Degeneres
5) Whoopi Goldberg
4) Conchata Ferrell (Berta on 2 1/2 Men)
3) Cloris Leachman
2) Rosie O'Donnell
AND... the #1 woman I would LEAST like to see naked in Playboy Magazine:
1) JOAN RIVERS
Honourable Mentions: Donatella Versace and Kris Kardashian.
Now, if you'll excuse me...I'm felling a tad nauseous...
I'm among the hundreds of thousand of red-blooded males who scoured the internet yesterday to see Lindsay Lohan's leaked Playboy spread. It looks good, but I wish they could have shot Lindsay looking like Lindsay. Instead, they dressed her up like Marilyn Munroe and recreated the famous calender shot that Hugh Hefner put in Playboy's very first issue. I don't really see the point. Why not just re-publish the old Marilyn shots and do a spread with Lindsay being her teen queen self?
I gotta say though...her boobs are absolutely beautiful.
Lindsay, call me!
I gotta say...I was a little repulsed when I first learned that everyone's favourite Material Girl Madonna would be the half-time entertainment at the Super Bowl. Not that I hate her or anything, but c'mon...she's...she's...well...she's Madonna!
But you know what??? The more I think about it the more I realize that Madonna and the Super Bowl are actually a pretty good match-up.
WANNA KNOW WHY??? (Everybody say yessssss.....)
It's because I imagine Madonna's private lady-part is a lot like a football field...
Very large
And a lot of black guys have sprained their ankle on it!
HAPPY FRIDAY
Following my letter to Santa yesterday, (just kidding by the way folks...I love Santa), I decided to vent a little more and write a letter to someone else who I'm a little annoyed with...
Dear Alec Baldwin,
You sir are an ass. Your history of being a boor and verbally abusing people, including your young daughter, has been widely reported. Now we hear about you getting booted off a plane for being an idiot after a flight attendant told you to turn off your i phone. Were you born a jerk or has money and celebrity turned you into one?
Do the public a favour and spare us another hollow apology like the one your publicist wrote for you after you humiliated your kid for the world to hear. Here's what I think you should do:
1) Give your head a shake.
2) Give a million dollars to the flight attendant you freaked out on.
3) Go back to your shrink and tell him your treatment isn't working.
4) Shut the F*ck up and act like an adult instead of like Jenna on 30 Rock.
Best wishes,
Dave MacLachlan
PS: The coffee is for closers.
FW: DEAR SANTA
Dear Santa,
I do not usually write letters of this nature, but seriously…what the hell is your problem?
You have categorically failed to provide me with even one of the items contained in the annual letters that I've written to you faithfully since the age of four.
Where oh where were those skates…the B.B. Gun…the official NFL Football?
And what about that dirt bike buddy??? All I received year after year, after year were socks, underwear, clothing and the occassional crappy toy that I neither asked for or wanted.
Now, I don't mean to sound ungrateful. And it's certainly not my intention to imply that the fault was yours. (It was probably one of those little squirts who works for you). But whatever the problem is, I sincerely hope you isolate it, fix it and deliver to me what is rightfully mine.
Oh, and one other thing. I have not been an especially good boy this year Santa, but I'm hoping that you will undertake a review of your outdated and discriminatory policy of dispersing gifts only to so-called "NICE" people. NICE, SCHMICE.
Your friend,
Dave
P.S. I trust my standing request for a Lamborghini Gallardo LP550-2 and Jessica Alba is still on file with your organization.
